Fashion Humor - Pants For Penguins! The Fashion uprising continues!

Pants For Penguins

Penguins. Nice creatures. They walk…a lot. As I watched March of The Penguins, Farce of the Penguins, and Madagascar, my heart broke over and over again. The poor creatures…all that walking, waddling and surfing, and they are forced to do it all without the benefit of pants.
How could this be? In this world of modern technology, where we have fat free cookies, cell phones and Honey Bunches of Oats has found a way to give us JUST the bunches, how do the penguins NOT have pants?

You can say that they don’t need them, but I do not hold to that. Their lil’ tushies must be freezing and they wander across the ice and tundra in a long line, just to get a little action and some egg time. I don’t care who you are or what you are wearing, if you had to spend your time out in the icy elements, without pants, and only a tuxedo coat, your little patootie would freeze right off (and NO, that is not a suggestion for a new diet).

Join me my fellow humans, in correcting the dilemma. Help me solve the plight of the penguins! Say it loud, and say it proud! “PANTS FOR PENGUINS!” No more shall their little bare booties be dragged across the frozen tundra! No more shall they have to say “I am freezing my ass off” and it be a LITERAL statement. Rise with me! Fight for their right to wear pants! All kinds of pants! Jeans, khakis, shorts, capris,...made with cotton, sequins, glitter..and yes…dare I say it?..... SPANDEX!!! Just imagine those little guys waddling their way across the icy wilderness, their little tails swinging with pride, their heads bobbing up and down to their favorite Eminem song playing in their ipods, and sporting a super-sexy pair of sparkly pink and purple spandex biker shorts!

You may ask, but where will we find pants to fit the penguins? Well, I say unto you, THE PANTS ARE OUT THERE! If eclectech.co.uk has a picture of a penguin in super-awesome disco pants (see below), then that means that they are out there!

Our first step, find Opus the penguin. The last time i saw him, he was in the Outland, and had also been seen often in Bloom County....Opus broke new ground by wearing tighty-whitey underpants back in 80's (check out his sexy penguin-ness below)...when penguin rights were barely a thought to most people, and the controversial penguin evolution trials were taking place. When you feel discouraged in the fight, just think of Opus, boldly going where few penguins had gone before, standing proud in his penguin pants, and fight on! FIGHT FOR PENGUIN PANTS FOR ALL!!!

Remember....Penguins are our pantless homies!

About Face

Beautiful Skin for Less than $10

At some point we all go through phases when the skin on our face betrays us in some manner. I was lucky in high school and college because I rarely got a blemish of any kind. Little did I know that once I hit my 30's my face would decide to make up for lost time. In my quest to deal with my combination skin, I've learned a few things about what works for me as well as what doesn't. I'm a remarkably frugal person. I tend to try to stretch my money as far as I can, so I needed to find something affordable that actually WORKS. So here and now, I'm going to divulge my top 10 products that are under $10 that worked for me.

 1. St. Ives Apricot Scrub - this little gem is the best thing I've found for exfoliating. It's great for getting rid of the dead skin cells that dull your complexion and make your skin look dry and flaky. There is also an acne formula available. Price: under $4 at Walmart.
  St Ives Swiss Formula Blemish & Blackhead Control Apricot Scrub 6 Oz
St Ives Swiss Formula Invigorating Apricot Scrub 6 Oz

 2. Substitute exfoliating tool - I've seen the little battery powered exfoliating tools on TV. They have a rotating brush on them and they charge anywhere from $20 - $50 dollars for this "amazing tool". Funny thing... for Christmas my husband gave me a battery powered pedicure kit that has a took the looks very much like the pricier tool. He paid less than $8 for it at Walmart. I have very sensitive feet and can't use a "brush" on them, so the brush in the kit is now used 2 - 3 times a week to scrub my face. It has worked wonders on my skin. The kit also comes with file, pumice, and callous file attachments, so you can actually take care of your feet and your face for under $8!!! You can get the same tool here...
 Neat Feet Trim Portable Pedicure System

 3. Neutrogena daily cleansing wash (under $6),is the best cleanser I have found. In general, all of Neutrogena's products that I've used were effective and it's one of the few brands that I have come to trust. When I use daily cleansing wash with my face scrubber, it does a great job at removing my make-up and preventing break-outs. Walmart has the lowest price that I've found thus far for it, and they also have 2-fer deal going.
 Neutrogena(R) Facial Cleanser Normal to Oily Skin Deep Clean(R) 6.7 Oz
Or you can save a little more with the 2 pack
Neutrogena Facial Cleanser Normal to Oily Skin Deep Clean 6.7 oz (Pack of 2)

 4. St.Ives Collagen Elastin Moisturizer - This is one of the few moisturizers that doesn't make my face oily or cause me to break out in zits. It doesn't take much at all, and the collagen elastin helps keep your skin looking young.
  St. Ives Swiss Formula Collagen Elastin All Skin Types Facial Moisturizer 10 oz (Pack of 2)

 5. Peroxide - Yes. Really. When it comes to preventing outbreaks as well as quickly getting rid of the blemishes once they've erupted, I haven't found anything better. Many of the acne creams are primarily peroxide. Those creams dried out my skin and caused dry skin bumps to appear and made my skin flaky - particularly on my cheeks. I have found the treating with basic hydrogen peroxide soaked into a cotton ball and dabbed onto the area where my outbreaks occur works well. Just be sure to moisturize afterwards because it can dry out your skin over time. Price: under $2.

 6. To get rid of the redness that commonly comes with pimples, try putting some Visine on it it. I'm not kidding. It really DOES get the red out! Visine Original Tetrahydrozoline Hci Eye Drops, 1 oz

 7. Pores. It's almost a dirty word. The best pore refining product I've found comes from the good folks at Neutrogena. It definitely improved the appearance of mine. That right, I'm not afraid to say it. I HAVE PORES! Neutrogena Toner Pore Refining 8.5 oz (Pack of 2)

 8. It can be hard to clear out the pores on your nose, but I swear by Biore Pore Strips. They're easy to use, not loaded with harsh chemicals, and you can actually see the impurities that they remove right on the strip. Biore Pore Strips Deep Cleansing 14 Ct

 9. Hot water and mild soap. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your face is simply wash it with a gentle soap and water as hot as you can stand it. Giving your face a break from chemicals and make-up can work wonders. The hot water helps open up the pores and the soap of course cleanses. Gently scrub your face with a washcloth or just use your fingertips. Rinse well and pat your face dry. I suggest Ivory soap if you have oily skin, and Tone or Caress if you have dry skin.

 10. When it comes to fading dark spots I'm old school. Porcelana Fade Cream is still made and on the market for a reason. Just remember, this type of cream can irritate sensitive skin and it is intended to be used sparingly.

 NOTE: I CAN NOT GUARANTEE THAT THE TIPS AND PRODUCTS WILL WORK FOR YOU. I AM NOT A DERMATOLOGIST. I'M JUST SPEAKING FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE.

Socks For Turtles - The Fashion Uprising

by Abanna Cheshire
A perfectly brief but reasonable dissertation on why turtles should be required to wear socks...
In a nutshell...it's because of their distinct disregard of the importance of pedicures, which is why their feet are so ugly....
There is an aesthetically unpleasing factor in regards to the feet our friends, the turtles, due to their inability to utilize nail clippers. which is why they hide in their shells. This is the primary issue at the core of the turtle population's mass inferiority complex, and why they never leave their houses...they just carry them wherever they go. They are downright agoraphobic because of it. They live in a state of fear and shame, under an umbrella of ridicule. A colleague pointed out to me that their little portable houses don't even come close to covering their feet while in transit! As a result, their shame is perpetuated.
I'm taking up their cause and campaigning for socks for turtles! I shall not rest until every turtle has his or her choice of knee socks, ankle socks, or those footies with the little pom-pom balls on the backs!!!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!? SOCKS FOR TURTLES!! WHEN DO WE WANT 'EM?!? NOW!!!!
NOTE: Fishnets and pantyhose will not be accepted as a compromise seeing as they do nothing to fix the problem since you can see through them. Plus the turtles would look tacky and/or cheap in them. I patently refuse to launch the careers of a bunch to turtle sluts.
In the immortal words of Patrick Henry (or someone like that) "GIVE THE TURTLES SOCKS, OR GIVE THEM DEATH!!"...Editor's note: this mantra was not very popular with the turtle population at large and therefore it has never really caught on. However, the sub-conscious manifestation of this is apparent in the repeated attempts at suicide by wandering around on back roads and highways trying to get run over.
The Turtle Fashion Diva has spoken! And throughout the land, with God as my witness, I swear that the turtles shall NEVER be barefoot again!!! At the very least, we should supply these poor creatures with tubes of foot cream and some nail polish.

The heartbreak continues...

My Experience With SheikShoes.com

Shoes! Glorious Shoes!!!

Over the last few years my “shoe gene” kicked in and I find myself turning into a shoe junkie. I say this without shame, mostly because no matter how much I love a pair of shoes or lust after a killer pair of boots, I'm incredibly frugal. I have set rules for myself in regards to how much I'm allowed to spend on a single set of footwear and I shall not deviate from it. The result has been surprising! I have a closet full of shoes that I've purchased over the last couple or years, and the most I've paid for any single pair is $25. Yes. Really. And my footwear doesn't look like I scooped it out of the bargain bin. I'm rocking some killer stomps that are on-trend, well-made and gorgeous!

My first big score came from a little site called cutesygirl.com, but alas, they are now defunct. I was heartbroken when I went online to snag some sandals for the summer and found that they were out of business. Naturally, I immediately launched myself into a search for a similar site with similar styles and prices and have found a couple, but I am proceeding with caution... The first site that I tried was www.Sheikshoes.com, and let me tell you here and now, if you decide to buy from them, be prepared for a less than simple transaction. I ordered five pairs of shoes from them, and paid online immediately... then two weeks passed and I had gotten NOTHING. I contacted their customer service department via email (I tried calling and NEVER got to speak to an actual person), and asked them where my order was. I got a response telling me that two of the five pairs of shoes that I'd ordered were out of stock and they said I could choose replacements or wait for the back-ordered shoes. I replied within hours of receiving the email from them asking how long it would be for one of the back-ordered pairs and also gave them the item number for the alternative pair for the other. Two days later I was informed that I took too long to respond (!!!!!!!?????) and they had refunded the cost of two of the pairs of shoes, and shipped the rest. At this point I got VERY annoyed and the air around me was suddenly filled with what I call “pissed mist”. I checked my paypal account and they had refunded a whole $13.98. The problem was that the shoes I had ordered cost around $20 each. I sent them and email inquiring about the magical math that they had used to come up with the amount they had refunded to me. A few more days passed and I got the rest of my refund.

The remaining shoes arrived a few days later and they were as described and fine. During my wait for my precious delivery, I looked up customer reviews on Sheik Shoes and discovered that they have serious trouble with their customer service and customers often order and pay for items then end up at war trying actually obtain them. Apparently they don't have decent inventory tracking software on their website, because the complaints were pretty much all the same. Understand, I normally would have done my research before handing over my money but my common sense was clouded by my blinding need for a boot fix. But suffice it to say that I will NEVER buy from them again... which is really too bad. If I had any confidence that I would be able to get what order when I order it, they would have had me for life. 

My rating, 2 out of 10 stars. The two stars they got is strictly because I love the 3 pairs of shoes that I did finally get...a month after I ordered them...  

My quest for gorgeous shoes that I can actually afford continues, I will keep you in the loop as to which places are worth it and which ones you should steer clear of. 

In the meantime, remember, you can look fantastic without spending stupid money.  When it was all said and done, I only paid around $40 total for all three pairs of shoes seen above. I just wish my favorites had made it to me too!

Fashion Fun - Clogs For Cows! The Next Phase In Fashion

Horses get shoes, but cows don't. Why? What is it about horses that make them worthy but not the noble moo-cow? That's right, I said NOBLE, and I meant it!!! They quietly go about their day, munching on grass, and chilling out, not doing much to anyone. They supply us with milk, making magnificent foods possible, like cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. They supply us with meat... GREAT meat. Steaks and brisket can be nothing less than a succulent gift of unfathomable proportions. And leather... belts, shoes, coats. They give themselves over to us completely and don't put up much of a fight about it. Cows love us. Yes, they do. Look at all that they give to us...their entire selves are sacrificed so that we may enjoy their beefy goodness, and they do so freely in utter obedience to their religious beliefs.

According to their holy book “The Book Of The Divine Bovine” the sacrifices they make to serve mankind assure their place in Bovinia (Moo-Cow Heaven).
.
“And thou shalt surrender thyselves up, and shall be the centerpiece of the blessed people's celebrations upon the fourth day of the seventh month of each year.” - II Bovines: 12.5
“For upon mankind's celebrations of fortune, thou shalt be sources of succulent joy, and thou shalt warm their bodies and adorn their feet in beauty and wrap their mid-sections in grand style. Thou shalt encompass their necks and wrists with cool hipness, and be much praised upon the earth.” - Leatherians: 8.4

All of this ... and we don't even give them shoes? It's a travesty! A TRAVESTY I SAY!!!

I wish I could pretend to be shocked by our thoughtlessness and disregard for these self-less, sacrificial animals, but given that we have yet to give the chicken it's propers, I can't even pretend that this behavior of ours comes as a surprise. But whether we are amazed or not is moooooot at best. The time for shock is past. It is time for action. And so begins the next great movement in animal rights... Clogs For Cows!

Clogs are the ideal fashion accessory for the gentle moo-cow. Easy to put on and take off, and there are plenty of fashionable options since clogs can be carved and shaped into almost any trendy form. No need to nail them into place...which is just barbaric...but that's another issue for another time.

Just think of it... our bovinesque friends wearing a nice pair of clogs...or even the uber-thick flip flops with a nice flower on the top. Give the cows that sense of flash and flare that they so richly deserve! How can you be still as the bearers of our grandest attire, sweetest meat and dairy goodness are left out in the cold (or absurd heat, depending on the season) with bare hooves and no evidence of their fashion sense. For heaven's sake people, THEY EVEN GIVE US THEIR CHILDREN FOR VEAL! IS A PAIR OF $10 CLOGS SO MUCH TO ASK??? If you do think it is too much to ask, then you, my friend, are chock full of bovine fecal matter.

The Art Of Color-blocking

Every couple of seasons the powers that be in the fashion industry roll out their clothing and accessory lines for us to behold. Most of what they present is out reach for most of us, but it looks like the industry has heard the cries of the 99% and have offered us a trend we can actually participate in. Color blocking has returned and it's brought happier color palates with it!

The bold primary colors as well as the neon hues that flourished in the 80's are back along with color-blocking (also an offspring of the grand 80's). I have to admit, I LOVE it. The drab colors that have been "on trend" for last decade or so has been depressing. The brighter bolder colors, when done right, are pure eye-candy. However, it's very easy to get it wrong, so here are a few basics to help you navigate these colorful waters. 

1. Choose colors that are in the same color family. Make sure the color tones match. Warm tones with other warm tones, and cooler hues combined with one another will keep you on the right track. 

2. Opposites colors really do attract when color blocking. Just as black and white look great together, Turquoise paired with tangerine can make for an ensemble that gets the right kind of attention!

3. Keeps the use of the colors on an even keel. Allow one color to dominate, and then the second color should make the dominant color pop. The colors should bring attention to and compliment each other. 

4. When accessorizing, be careful. This is the place where people often end up going wrong. Try to go with neutral shades or a contrasting color. Where many missteps happen is when people add accessories that are outside of the color palate that goes along with the rest of the outfit or that appears like a "forced" match can be your undoing.  Also...avoid patterns... and here's why...

WRONG!!!                                                                 

  

Quite frankly, that outfit hurts my feelings.... but I digress...

For more info on this trend, click here  and check out corporatefashionista.com's guide. (Don't worry, it's not nearly as elitist as their name might imply to some). When it comes to colorblocking, they have the best guide that I've seen thus far.